Got Social Self-Sabotage? Here's Your Tonic
- Jessica Hernandez, LMFT
- 3 days ago
- 12 min read
Let's face it, whether you love the end of the year holidays or not, they have a way of getting us to new stress levels we didn't know we had--or forgot that we had them from last year's holidays! In general, when humans are stressed, they tank --not only physically and mentally, but also emotionally and socially. Especially if you identify as a Highly Sensitive Person, Introvert or Empath. Our bandwidth for chaos and stress doesn't go very far!
But honestly, speaking for the collective everyone again, we all have a way of adding to the stress with some of the ways we "handle", "deal with" or "melt under" stress. Hello self-sabotaging social behaviors. This can look like becoming a control-freak/micro-manager of life and others.....jealousy and envy of others...fear/anxiety/FOMO...trying to be all things to all/people pleaser/doormat...or judging harshly with constant critical comments of self and others. Does any of that sound familiar? ;-) I won't tell.
We all have the propensity to be our worst selves when under immense stress, which the holidays tend to induce.
What Do I do?
So without further ado, when your worst habits come out due to holiday stress, or truly, any social situation that causes stress, here's some 'tonics' to help that part of you that needs some taming!
Control-Freak/Micro-Manager of Life and Others:
Why This is Problematic Social Self-Sabotage
Being overly controlling or micromanaging in family or social situations is an oft misguided way to cope with stress. This behavior can lead to a toxic atmosphere and strained relationships among family members or friends. It usually stems from an underlying fear of failure or chaos, prompting people to exert excessive control over others in an attempt to alleviate their own anxiety.
Consequences of Controlling Behavior
However, this approach can stifle creativity and autonomy, causing family members or friends to feel undervalued and unmotivated. When one person tries to micromanage interactions or decisions, it can create resentment and frustration amongst those involved. And all resentment that brews eventually spews into something very messy.
Moreover, micromanagement can result in increased stress, not only for the controlling individual but also for those being controlled. This dynamic often leads to decreased harmony and higher conflict levels within the group, ultimately diminishing the quality of relationships. Rather than alleviating stress, such controlling behaviors can exacerbate it, creating a cycle of tension and dissatisfaction that is detrimental to both individual well-being and the overall health of family or social dynamics.
Useful Wisdom Teaching: Ram Dass-- Relax, Nothing is Under Control!
Affirmations to Repeat:
Everything is in Perfect Divine Order!
I trust the process of life.
I release control, and surrender to the flow of love (my favorite song lyric! see playlist)
Quote:
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself." --Rumi
My product/Service that could help: Coaching, EFT Tapping, Radiant You Inner Journeys, Sound Healing, Yoga Breath Coaching
1:1 Coaching and EFT Tapping both support those with control issues by soothing the nervous system, alleviating the anxiety and fear that fuel the desire for control, and redirecting focus from strict control to inner peace. Both modalities help release old patterns by addressing core beliefs and past traumas (EFT through tapping on meridian points while articulating the issues), fostering self-acceptance, and embracing change rather than resisting it. Both intend to disrupt stress responses, leading to more balanced reactions and a sense of calm instead of reactivity.
Any of the 7 pre-recorded Radiant You Inner Journeys, depending on what theme you are working with, can be useful to step out of micro-managing life. Flowing With Change may be the one to start with! Each one Includes a yoga class video, guided EFT tap-along video, guided meditation, journaling prompts, and other helpful resources.
Sound Healing offers a transformative approach for individuals struggling with control freak and micro-managing tendencies. By immersing oneself in the soothing vibrations of sound, participants can experience a profound sense of relaxation and release of the 'need' to control. This therapeutic practice encourages mindfulness, allowing you to let go of rigid expectations and embrace the present moment. The resonant frequencies help to calm the mind, reduce anxiety, and promote emotional balance, fostering a greater sense of trust in oneself and others. Through sound healing, you can learn to relinquish the need for control, nurturing a more fluid and harmonious approach to life.
Learning Yoga Breathing techniques serves as a powerful tool for those with control and micro-managing tendencies. These techniques, called pranayama, focus on breath regulation to promote relaxation and mental clarity. By practicing deep, intentional breathing, you can activate the body's relaxation response, reducing stress and anxiety levels. This mindful approach helps to cultivate awareness of one’s thoughts and feelings, empowering you to respond rather than react. As a result, yoga breathing encourages a sense of surrender to and acceptance of What Is, allowing for greater flexibility in both personal and professional environments.
Spotify Playlist to Shift You Out of This Pattern: I Release Control
Journaling Questions:
In whom or what do I put my trust these days?
Is that working for me?
If I don't trust myself, why not?
If I don't trust life, why not?
What do I believe will happen if I don't maintain control of life?
What would shift if I stopped trying to control this situation?
Jealousy/Envy of Others:
Why This is Problematic Social Self-Sabotage:
Jealousy and envy can create significant problems in social situations, often leading to tension and conflict amongst friends and family members. These emotions can distort perceptions, causing people to compare themselves unfavorably to others, which may result in resentment and bitterness of one's own loved ones. When jealousy arises, it can manifest in negative behaviors such as gossip, exclusion, or passive-aggressive actions, disrupting the harmony of social interactions.
Additionally, these feelings can undermine trust and collaboration, as individuals may become more focused on competition rather than fostering supportive relationships. Ultimately, jealousy and envy can hinder personal connections and create an atmosphere of negativity, making it challenging for groups to function cohesively, even If the jealousy or envy is never openly expressed.
Useful Wisdom Teaching: a Buddhist take on jealousy
Affirmations to Repeat:
I am enough and I have enough.
I am grateful for the way that it is.
Quote:
“Jealousy says, “Compete with each other.” Envy says, “Destroy each other.” Empathy says, “Help each other.” Love says, “Empower each other.” ―Matshona Dhliwayo
My Product/Service that could help: Coaching, EFT Tapping, Radiant You Inner Journey, Energy Clearing
By acknowledging the physical sensations, triggers for comparison, and underlying beliefs (like low self-worth and low self-esteem) linked to jealousy, as well as challenging negative thoughts, 1:1 Coaching and/or EFT tapping sessions can help you process and let go, creating internal space for positive change, gratitude for what one already has, and ability to believe in oneself.
2 of my Radiant You Inner Journeys would be ideal for managing jealousy and envy: The 'Other' is Love....and... Remembering Who You Are. They are fun, thought-provoking, and nurturing packs of healing practices and self-inquiry that can help you shift into your highest self through love, not force.
Sometimes an Energy Clearing is just what we need to reset and clear lower thoughts, vibrations and frequencies from our own energy field. The best part: you don't have to do anything but be willing to allow yourself to be cleared. It's immensely useful for people who tend to soak up other people's energy and negativity.
Spotify Playlist to Shift You Out of This Pattern: Break Up With Jealousy & Envy
Journaling Questions:
What do I believe I am lacking that the other person has?
Is that belief driven by an emotion?
Is it a quality or situation that I admire in them that is triggering the jealousy or envy?
What steps can I take to feel proud of myself?
What am I grateful for that I already have in my life?
Fear+Anxiety=FOMO:
Why This is Problematic Social Self-Sabotage:
In a world that constantly bombards us with images of success and happiness, it's easy to fall into the traps of fear, anxiety, and the fear of missing out (FOMO). For sensitive individuals, these emotions can be particularly overwhelming and detrimental. When decisions are made from a place of fear, they often lead to choices that do not align with one's true self, resulting in feelings of regret and disconnection.
In fact, when we make decisions and take actions from a place of fear, anxiety, or FOMO, we tend to overextend ourselves, throw ourselves under the proverbial bus, ignore our true needs & desires, and bend our boundaries, simply because of the anxious voice tormenting us inside with, "what if..?"
Anxiety can cloud judgment, making it difficult to see opportunities clearly, while FOMO can push sensitive individuals into situations that drain their energy and compromise their well-being. This cycle not only hinders personal growth but also stifles authentic expression and totally destroys your ability to thrive.
Useful Wisdom Teaching/blog:
Embrace JOMO-The Joy of Missing Out
Guided Meditation Video for FOMO
Affirmations to Repeat:
I am not my thoughts.
I choose peace in this moment.
I believe in my capacity to choose what's for my highest good in this moment.
Quote:
Your time is limited, don't waste it living someone else's life." – Steve Jobs
“And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, “This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!” And each day, it’s up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, “No. This is what’s important.” ―Iain Thomas
My Product/Service that could help: Therapy, Coaching, EFT Tapping, Sound Healing, Radiant You Inner Journey, The Sanctuary Within CD
Psychotherapy or Coaching can support those suffering from anxiety and FOMO. The link above discusses the difference between the two to help you choose your best path. Each path supports a person in embracing a mindset grounded in self-awareness and confidence, which allows sensitive individuals to navigate life's challenges more effectively, fostering a deeper connection to themselves and the world around them. By recognizing the negative impacts of fear-driven actions, you can cultivate a more fulfilling and authentic life.
EFT Tapping Is an add-on or stand alone modality that can also help with anxiety and FOMO by calming the body's stress response (amygdala/cortisol) while you focus on the feeling, using affirmations like "Even though I have FOMO, I deeply accept myself," which shifts you out of "fight-or-flight" into "rest-and-digest," releasing negative emotions, clearing limiting beliefs about needing to do everything, and training your nervous system for better emotional regulation, allowing you to feel present and content with your choices.
Sound Healing can be an effective therapeutic practice for alleviating anxiety and FOMO as well. By using vibrational frequencies and soothing sounds, it helps to calm the mind, promote relaxation, and create a sense of presence, allowing individuals to reconnect with themselves and reduce feelings of overwhelm and social pressure. It takes the chaotic energy of anxiety and shifts you into a state of coherence.
2 of my Radiant You Inner Journeys could be helpful here: Meeting Yourself Where You're At.....and....Honoring Your Body. Each provides a bundle of pre-recorded activities such as yoga videos, meditations, breathing techniques, journaling prompts, EFT tap-alongs and more.
The Sanctuary Within CD is 75 minutes of guided meditations and visualizations by Jessica Ruby Hernandez set to the healing soundscape of didgeridoo, alchemy crystal singing bowls and more. These tracks are designed to to Access Your Inner Resources, Heal the Pain of Trauma and Regain Your Sense of Self.
Spotify Playlist to Shift You Out of This Pattern: Combatting FOMO & Anxiety
Mantra for Self-Soothing: 10 minute Aum Ah Hum singalong on YouTube
Journaling Questions:
If I look underneath this fear or anxious thought, what's driving it?
What joy could I experience by missing out on this particular thing/event?
What do I actually need in this moment?
Trying to be All Things to All /People Pleaser/Doormat:
Why This is Problematic Social Self-Sabotage:
Trying to be all things to all people often leads to a detrimental cycle for both the people pleaser and those around them that they are trying to please. Plus It's exhausting! Personally, I'm relieved thatI can't be all things to all people--I don't have the time or energy for It!
When someone adopts a people-pleasing mentality, they are generally suppressing their own needs and desires, resulting in personal dissatisfaction with life and guaranteed burnout. This is not love. This behavior can create an unhealthy dynamic where others come to expect compliance and self-sacrifice from the people-pleaser, ultimately undermining genuine love and respect based relationships. Furthermore, the doormat mentality prevents honest communication, as it fosters resentment and confusion rather than fostering mutual respect, honesty and understanding. In the end, the pursuit of universal approval can leave everyone feeling unfulfilled and disconnected. Not worth it.
Useful Wisdom Teaching/blog: How To Stop People Pleasing
Affirmations to Repeat:
Not my monkeys and not my circus!
I can only do what's mine to do.
I can only be responsible for what's mine.
I am not a robot.
My needs and desires matter, too.
Quote:
"A jack of all trades is a master of none."
Here's 17 Quotes to Inspire People Pleasers--they are all so good I couldn't choose just one!
My Product/Service that could help: Coaching, EFT Tapping, Radiant You Inner Journey, Cord Cutting
Coaching can be a transformative experience for individuals struggling with people-pleasing behaviors. Through personalized guidance, a coach helps clients identify the underlying beliefs and fears that drive their need for approval from others. By fostering self-awareness and encouraging assertiveness, coaching empowers individuals to set healthy boundaries and prioritize their own needs. Clients learn to recognize their worth beyond others' opinions, ultimately leading to increased confidence and a more authentic life. With the support of a coach, individuals can break free from the cycle of seeking validation, paving the way for genuine connections and self-acceptance.
Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) tapping offers a unique and effective approach for those looking to overcome people-pleasing tendencies. This holistic method combines elements of cognitive therapy and acupressure, allowing individuals to release emotional blockages and reduce anxiety associated with the fear of disapproval as well as the underlying stress, fear, and past wounds (like childhood experiences) that fuel the habit, using acupressure points and affirmations to rewire the brain's response to difficult social situations, allowing you to set boundaries, build self-worth, and choose authenticity over constant approval-seeking. It addresses the "roots" of the pattern, not just the "leaves" (the behavior itself).
By tapping on specific meridian points while voicing their feelings and concerns, clients can rewire their emotional responses and cultivate a sense of empowerment. EFT tapping facilitates a deeper understanding of personal triggers, enabling individuals to respond to situations with confidence rather than compliance. As a result, clients can experience greater emotional freedom and a renewed sense of self-worth.
I think the best Radiant You Inner Journey for overcoming people pleasing is Permission to Play! If you've been running around being all things to everyone but yourself, the join me on this journey with a fun yoga class, EFT tap-along, guided visualization of your best day, art activities, a bedtime story, and even a dare!
If you are deeply entrenched in people pleasing a specific person, you may be so enmeshed that a Cord Cutting is in order. This process cuts the negative energy cord between you and the other person when you are ready to shift they dynamics of the relationship, or end it.
Spotify Playlist to Shift You Out of This Pattern: Stop People Pleasing
Journaling Questions:
What do I believe will happen if I don't do the thing?
What's actually the worst that could happen?
Is that really true?
Does this person I'm bending over backwards for truly appreciate me? Would they do the same for me?
I need their approval...how true is that really?
Judging with Constant Critical Comments of Self and Others
Why This is Problematic Social Self-Sabotage:
Judging oneself and others can be detrimental in social contexts as it fosters an environment of negativity and discouragement, especially if that environment is inside your mind, festering and downspiraling all by itself. This criticizing behavior can lead to diminished self-esteem and increased anxiety, not only for the person making the judgments but also for those on the receiving end. Such critical attitudes can strain relationships, creating barriers to open communication and collaboration.
Furthermore, this pervasive negativity can stifle creativity and inhibit personal growth, as individuals may become overly focused on perceived flaws rather than embracing their strengths and potential. In essence, a culture of constant criticism undermines the foundation of supportive and healthy social interactions.
Useful Wisdom Teaching/blog:
From Self-Judgment to Being Ourselves...a talk given to teenagers that will resonate with us all!
Affirmations to Repeat:
For judging self: I am enough. I am worthy. I belong.
For judging others: They are my mirror; what do I see in them that I don't like in me?
Quotes:
For Self-Judgement:
"You've been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens." --Louise Hay
"Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts." --Buddha
For Judgement of Others:
"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself." – Wayne Dyer.
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." – Carl Jung.
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." – Mother Teresa.
My Product/Service that could help: EFT Tapping, Radiant You Inner Journey: The 'Other' is Love, Energy Clearing
EFT Tapping can be a powerful tool for alleviating critical self-judgment and the tendency to judge others. By focusing on specific thoughts or feelings associated with self-criticism or judgmental attitudes, individuals can tap on acupressure points while verbalizing their emotions. This process helps to reduce the intensity of negative feelings, promoting self-compassion and understanding. As the emotional charge diminishes, it becomes easier to cultivate a more empathetic perspective towards oneself and others, fostering healthier relationships and a more positive self-image.
My Radiant You Inner Journey: The 'Other' is Love is a great journey to work with if you are stuck in judgments of others....even if the 'other' that you are criticizing is yourself!
An Energy Clearing may also be in order, as judgment is a negative state that clouds our energy fields and begets more negativity. Nobody wants to be around negative people, and I believe that nobody truly wants to live life in a constantly negative state.
Spotify Playlist to Shift You Out of This Pattern: Stop Judging Self & Others
Journaling Questions:
What do I see in them that I don't like in me?
Who taught me to judge myself so harshly?
Do I still want to treat myself this way?
What can I do to turn things around when I catch myself judging (myself or others)?
When all else fails, you could also eat a Snickers (remember the commercials?!) or take a nap. I vote nap!
And if you want one-on-one support, sign up for a one-off coaching session for things like the following: Communication Issues, Holistic Health Coaching, Spiritual Integration, Learning Yogic Breathing, Navigating life after a major change, Nervous System Regulation, OR Navigating life as a Highly Sensitive Person, Empath or Introvert. Get coaching support for your acute holiday situations here!
